The Comedy Thread (No Chat)

Post funny vids, tell bad jokes, introduce comedy from around the world but keep it comedy-related without off topic chatter. Not everyone likes the same joke (remember it's only a joke) so if you are offended you can flag the post and have the moderators review it.

Firstly, an Apology To Americans (circa 2002)

Colin Mochrie







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Comments

  • A German Crash Proof Motorcycle Fail (with English subtitles)

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  • One more!

    Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
    A: She can't find the eleven.


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  • Idiot-in-chief is SOOOOO easy...here is is playing a video game!



  • This could be on the music thread too...but it's funny so it fits here!

    Chatty
  • LOVE this thread...last one from me today here...

    Q: Why did the blonde have square tits?
    A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

    Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
    A: Gifted!

    Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
    A: She moved.

    Q: Why don't blondes get coffee breaks?
    A: It takes too long to retrain them.

    Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore?
    A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too!


    =)) =)) =)) =)) =))

    Chatty
  • Here's one from a rangerette:

    Cheapo and Chatty
    A guy and girl love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The guy has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your GF's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his GF with the good news, and the girl can't wait for her lesson.

    The next day the GF goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your guy's cock" The girl listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great,"the pro says.

    "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro
  • One for Kim:

    “I was at the library today. The guy at the desk was very rude. I said, ‘I’d like a card.’ He said, ‘You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.’ So I stabbed him.”

    And one for Chatty!

    A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
    "Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
    "Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

    At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
    "Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
    "Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

    Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
    "OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.


  • A sad looking man comes into a bar with a suitcase.

    The bartender sees this odd sight and attempts to cheer up the customer. After the usual lines fail to get a response, the bartender asks: "so what's in the suitcase?"

    "Look for yourself" sighs the customer.

    The bartender opens the case and pulls out a miniature piano and a middle-eastern lamp. Also out of the suitcase crawls the smallest man the bartender has ever seen. He starts to play the piano.

    "He's very good" comments the bartender, "what's this lamp for?"

    "Give it a rub" states the customer, "and it's yours".

    The bartender has only just begun to rub the lamp when a genie appears.

    "I can grant any wish you want" says the genie in a thick accent, "but only one".

    The bartender can't believe his luck and excitedly blurts out "I want a million bucks!"

    Immediately, the bar is deluged with water-fowl, the cackle they make is almost deafening. "Not ducks! Yells the bartender..............bucks!"

    The customer fights his way out of the bar but not before yelling back; "You think that I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"



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  • LOVE the last one...here's mine for today!
    FOR SONIA
    Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
    A: She kept having affairs with men.
    Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
    A: Well hung.
    Q: what do you call two lesbians floating down a river
    A: Fur Traders
    Q: How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
    A: She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

    FOR CHATTY
    How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility?
    She's the one with dirty knees.

    BLOW JOB ODE
    Penis breath, a lover’s dread.
    Is what you get when you give head.
    Unpleasant as it tends to be. Be grateful that he doesn’t pee.
    It’s times like this you wonder why.
    You bother reaching for his fly.
    But it’s too late, can’t be a tease.
    Accept the facts, get on your knees.
    You know you’ve got a job to do.
    So open up and shove it through.
    Lick the tip then take it all.
    Don’t drag your teeth or he might bawl.
    Slide up and down, use your tongue.
    And feel the precum start to run.
    So when the fuck’s he gonna cum.
    Just when you can’t take anymore.
    Your hear your lover’s mighty roar.
    And when he hit’s that real high note.
    You feel it oozing down your throat.
    Salty, fishy, sticky, nasty stuff.
    Okay already, that’s enough.
    Let’s switch you say, before you gag.
    And what’s your revenge, you’re on your rag.

    FOR KIM:
    Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
    A: Spit, swallow, and gargle,
    Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
    A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

    =)) =)) =))
    Alex
  • Jimmy Carr - The Nasty Show 2013

  • Two classics!





    These are before most of our times...but some will have heard them...
    Alex


  • Government guy we know gave me this...


    bombing



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  • edited September 2014
    I think I really should post something totally different here, because the current topic is so belligerent and depressing! Yes, I also think that fucking ISIS and the stupid Salafists suck, and I really don't mind it when the West bombs them back into the Paleolithic era, and treats them like the fucking animals which they really are! But the motto here in the Kink communities should be really "Make Love Not War!" :-) ;)

    tinyweeny
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  • LOVE the blonde sucking the cock to make her sore throat go away!!!
  • Just to prove that the blonde doesn't have a thin skin!

    ATT000121
    ATT00004
    ATT000061
    ATT000071
    ATT000091
    ATT000101
    ATT000111
  • Joan Rivers like no one in the US has ever seen her...from the Graham Norton Show:



  • Horse Racing For Morons





  • For all you dog lovers/haters, one of my favourite homegrown comedians:

    Derek Edwards



    I wish that there was more of his stuff on youtube.
  • A classic from BBC: Monty Python and the Dead Parrot!



    Chatty
    =)) =)) =))
  • "I've got a slug"
    "does it talk?" :D
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